My Journey Through TRUST Series: Part 1 of 4
#Trust2016 Trust was my theme for 2016. As I embarked on the journey of trust this year, I realized that I needed to trust myself more. I needed to trust others. I needed to trust God/Source/Universe and I needed to trust in life and the process of life. Trust is the basis of all relationships. We absolutely need to trust ourselves first as a prelude to and a foundation for trusting everyone else. There is a process and a practice to trust. Life gives us the opportunity to practice life through our experiences, people, and through practice. Trusting life may be easy, but it requires that we understand and embrace the laws of life, cause and effect, vibration, law of attraction, love, forgiveness, etc…. These are all concrete things that govern the unfolding of life. Here is my journey through TRUST!
We’ve got to pay attention to what we do and how we do it to help us grow as the amazing individuals we are. Unless and until we master the four levels of trust, we will be prone to illness. We will be prone to ego taking over. We will be prone to victimhood, martyrdom, and so much more. When we deepen our trust in these areas, we are able to enjoy life more and impact the world more. You see, learning to trust isn’t an option, it’s required. Think about your breathing. If you were to exhale and then try not to inhale, you can’t… it’s not an option. It’s essential to the air we breathe.
When we trust that very foundational thing and trust that we are trusting at every turn. We trust that when we get in the car and drive that other people will know how to drive. We trust that the traffic lights are going to work. We trust that the gas in our car is going to get us from point A to point B. We trust that the food we give our children or our animals is good for them. We trust that we are going to get paid when we are supposed to get paid, etc…
You’ve got this my friend. I wanted to share an amazing little trust lessons that center around this thing called Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark. I learned about this from Iyalna Vanzant. I love this story and encourage you to think about the story whenever you feel doubtful about trust or how a situation is going to turn out.
Here are the 11 empowering trust lessons that Noah’s story embodies:
#1. Don’t miss the boat.
#2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
#3. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
#4. Stay fit. When you are 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
#5. Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
#6. Build your future on high ground which may not be ground you are familiar with.
#7. For safety sake, travel in pairs.
#8. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on the board with the cheetahs.
#9. When you are stressed, float awhile.
#10. Remember, the ark was built by amateurs. The Titanic was built by professionals.
#11. No matter how bad the storm is, when you are with God, there is always a rainbow waiting.
Think about your conscious mind. Think about your subconscious and how it helps or hurts you when it comes to trust. We are going to start with self-trust. Self-trust is the development mastery of an unwavering, unquestionable inward conviction about our own value, our own worth and our ability to be and to create and to enjoy all that we want in the process of life and learning more about ourselves. Self-trust requires an inner belief that you can rely on your character, your ability, your strength and your capacity to know the truth and act on that in a very self-supportive manner.Self-trust requires an inner belief that you can rely on your character, your ability, your strength and your… Click To Tweet
Trusting yourself means having confidence to do what is best for you every moment of every day. The biggest lesson and challenge in the development and practice of trusting yourself is giving yourself permission to make a mistake. Self-trust is about having an inner voice about being connected to that inner voice about learning how to hear and follow that voice and doing the healing work required to make sure that that voice that you hear brings out your best interest, your next best move to the forefront of your mind.Trusting yourself means having confidence to do what is best for you every moment of every day Click To Tweet
Everyone has an ego and the negative ego is the aspect to the mind that is created in response to fear. It’s a part of us that sees fear instead of love in response to any kind of experience. Think about it this way. The ego is the part of you that knows that it’s important to brush your truth every day so that you don’t offend others and you get feel good about your clean, nice, pretty smelling teeth. The negative ego reminds you that if you don’t brush your teeth, they’ll fall out. It might be a bit dramatic yet I hope that illustrates the point about the negative ego.
The negative ego is always reminding us of all the bad. Fear can be a good thing. Don’t get me wrong because fear can save our lives. It gives us that flight or fight response. Yet, fear can also keep us play small. It can keep us down. It can keep us in a mistrusting mode. The longer that we believe that what the negative ego gives us is accurate, is right, the more challenging it is to break down those barriers so that we can change our thoughts, change our beliefs, change our mindset and know that the truth of who we are is perfection.
Three reasons we don’t trust ourselves:
- The number one reason we don’t trust ourselves is because we thought that we were not really feeling what we are feeling or that what we are feeling was unacceptable. People that are afraid to feel their feelings might think this. If you were growing up, you might have heard, “You better stop crying. You don’t have anything to cry about. So and so had it worse, you think that’s bad? Blah, blah, blah, blah.”
- The second reason that we don’t trust ourselves is playing a comparison game. When we compare what we are feeling to what other people are thinking or needing or wanting, it doesn’t serve us. We look at the happy family walking down the street and they seemingly have everything you want, but they might be living a life of hoarders. Maybe there is violence or maybe they are just completely miserable. Maybe one of them is cheating, who knows, but the fact is that we shouldn’t compare our lives to the fantasy lives that we give to other people.
- The third reason we don’t trust ourselves is a response to our need to know we are in control. We want to control everything. We want to guarantee the outcome. Whenever there is something about us not being in control, we find it difficult to trust ourselves or anyone else for that matter. I have this list of 21 signs that you may not trust yourselves. If you are questioning whether you have challenges trusting yourself or not, think about these statements and whether you resonate with any of them.
When We Break Trust
When we feel we’ve made mistakes or have poor choices or we lie to ourselves or to others, it can be difficult for us to trust ourselves. Yet, what I realized is that the more that you practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness and you are committed to building and rebuilding your character and your integrity; self-trust is right around the corner. Now, when there is breakdown of trust within you or between you and others, it is more often than not the result of bad behavior. It could be believing the worst about people, expecting the worse will always happen, experiencing a lack of self-trust. Ultimately, our social conditioning, our experiences, our programming, our mindset, and yes, our ego all have a role in the bad behavior around breakdown of trust.
What’s a bad behavior and breakdown of trust look like? It looks like these seven things:
#1. Making assumptions instead of asking questions.
#2. Ignoring, dishonoring or violating boundaries.
#3. Betraying confidences.
#4. Lying or withholding information.
#5. Wishing harm on others or doing harmful things just to prove a point.
#6.. Making preemptive strikes, doing to others what you think they are trying to do to you.
#7. Behaving hypocritically by saying one thing and doing another.
Bad behavior and breakdowns of trust can range from trivial things to the highly unimaginable. It’s up to us to determine what boundaries we are going to set for ourselves. Boundaries is really relevant to self-trust because having boundaries is self-respect. Having clear boundaries for people helps them understand what it is you will and will not allow and it teaches people how to treat you. For example, in this day and age, we are attached to all of our technology devices and our kids are too. It’s easy to feel disconnected or ignored or dismissed when we constantly have phones in our hands or we are constantly texting and snapping and instagramming and all the stuff.
One thing that I have done is when my kids and I would eat at the dining room table, I ask them that they not bring their phones to the table. They can put them on the counter, put them on silent, what have you, but I don’t want them with us because we need to respect each other. We need to respect the boundaries and we need to grow together as a family. Talking about our day without the phones really helped and helps us to stay connected and to trust ourselves.
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is critical to trusting ourselves, trusting others and trusting life and the process of life. On your journey to self-trust, I encourage you to create the limits that serve you best. Start small if you need to. Make an intention though to create boundaries that honor you. Paul Ferrini, author of Silence of the Heart, wrote this about boundaries. “Somewhere there is a decision that honors you and honors others. Find that decision, be committed to finding it.”
Here are some supportive tips when you are in the process of establishing or maintaining boundaries:
- Number one is identify the parameter. Explain the what and the why of your boundary. An example would be, in my world, agreements and commitments are important. It’s how we know that we can trust each other and that we respect each other’s time. It’s important to me that when I make an agreement, I keep it. It’s also important that you keep your agreements, so let’s agree that we will both show up on time.
- Number two is to let others know that the boundary exists and inform them if and when they have violated it. Many of us just keep quiet when people break our boundaries because, A, we haven’t communicated the boundary or, B, we just figure, “Okay, one time, not a big deal. Next thing you know.” It’s relapsing. An example using the time example. An example of letting others know that that boundary exist could be to say, “You know I’m a little crazy about punctuality and timeliness, so I hope that we can agree on the time to meet. That we will honor our agreement to be on time for each other.”
- Number three is to create a consistent means of communicating the boundaries. An example of that could be kind of an extension of our example here is to say, “I’m counting on your support. I want to remind you that we both have an agreement to be on time.”
- Number four is to let others know what will happen. An example, again, you could say “You know what if we want other people to respect us, we have to respect ourselves. We have to honor our word and keep our agreements so that people would treat us the way we want to be treated.” Let’s really make the effort to show up and start on time. In that way, we don’t have to make excuses and we’ll be less likely to accept excuses when other people don’t honor our commitment, their commitments to us.
- Number five is to remain aware of the action required to maintain the boundaries. An example, great thing that I have done is to call up the person and say, “Hey, I’m just calling to verify that we are going to meet at such and such a time and place.”
- Number six is to inform others of the consequences of violating a boundary. An example, you could say, “It doesn’t make me feel good when I make the effort to honor our agreement and show up on time and you don’t do the same. I know that things happened, but I want to offer an amendment to our agreement. After 15 minutes, neither one of us has to wait before the other.”
- Number seven is warning others when they have violated or are about to violate the boundaries. You could say, “I’m glad you are here, but I remember we had an agreement to be on time. Since I didn’t hear from you that you would be delayed, it doesn’t feel good that you forgot our agreement or ignored our agreement. I just want to remind you that after 15 minutes we don’t need to wait for the other person.”
- Number eight is to immediately activate the consequences when a boundary has been violated. This is key everyone. This is key. Once 15 minutes have passed and your person hasn’t arrived, leave, leave. By doing so, you honor your boundary, you keep the agreement. It’s much better in the long run to do this than to wait and wait and wait and then complain about it or stew about it.
- Number nine is to be willing to forgive when a boundary is innocently or unknowingly violated. There are certainly times when people forget or misunderstand, totally get that. Trusting yourself that you know the difference.
- Number 10 is being willing to surrender the relationship if violations of the boundaries continue. There are people that don’t have limits. There are people that are willing to sacrifice a perfectly good relationship and heartache for violating boundaries and that’s good that you know that.
- Number 11 is to determine through experience whether or not the boundaries serve the intention for which they were established. Maybe you relaxed the boundary. Maybe you tightened the boundary.
- Number 12 is when establishing boundaries, always pause to make certain that your efforts are really about what you need to feel safe rather than in control because there are certainly a distinction. Control is the number one human addiction. We have to be careful and mindful of our true intentions here. Timing may not be a perfect example, but it is a tricky one because so many people have a different internal clock or disrespectful of time regardless are constantly laid or whatever. You just got to understand, create clear boundaries, clear intentions, communicate those boundaries and enforce them. Enforcing them is really, really important.
I’ll leave you with this… You’ve got to STAND your truth and SPEAK your truth to develop self-trust. Another key is being vulnerable, speaking from your heart. When we are vulnerable and we truly share from the heart and have the courage to stand in that vulnerability, other people know it. Other people develop that trust and we certainly do that with ourselves.
Where do you need to build your self-trust?
Tandy lives in Tempe, Arizona, with her three kids and amazing angel dog. Order Tandy'sbooks at http://www.tandyelisala.com or www.amazon.com.
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