My Year of TRUST Series: Part 3 of 4
When we talk about trusting others, I love this quote:
“Trust take years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.”
Now, depending on the relationship, you can restore trust certainly and there certainly an art to this. My point is this, if you have a difficult time trusting other people, look to yourself first because maybe you don’t trust yourself because trusting others is difficult, but it’s a powerful lesson that we must move through in life. We simply must. If we have confidence that other people are going to honor us, honor their word, treat us well, be honest, be respectful, etc… then we will … trust others. Trusting others means knowing that at all times and every situation, we must be willing to trust, forgive and build continuously.Trusting others means knowing that at all times and every situation, we must be willing to trust, forgive and build continuously. Click To Tweet
Learning to trust others is a process that grows over time. It requires that we get to know people, that we remain open to moving through their mistakes and our own, that we allow people to grow, change and heal. When the evidence is clear that somebody is simply not trustworthy, we must make a choice about the nature of the relationship and send them away with love as I like to put it. Nothing impedes our ability to trust someone more deeply than not recognizing and accepting the truth that is revealed through their communication and their behavior. People show you how to treat them and people show you how they are going to treat you.Learning to trust others is a process that grows over time. Click To Tweet
You’ve got to look at yourself first.
Really learning how to trust others and forgive others when they fall short of our expectations begins with taking a good honest look at yourself. Ask yourself:
Do you always keep your word?
Do you always tell the truth about what you need and want?
Are you always respectful of the feelings and needs of others?
Have you always lived up to the trust and confidence others have placed in you?
Most important, have you forgiven yourself for the times when you have fallen short in your relationship with yourself and with others?
We are all human and we all have bad days when we are less than our best selves. Giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt and understanding that when we get off track that we have a sense of compassion and awareness around it both for us and other people.
One important aspect of trusting others means knowing what you are capable of, remembering that you have done what you have done during your less than great moments and be willing to recognize that the same is possible for every other person. When you are serious about being able to trust others, you are willing to adjust your expectations. One way to think about this is consider how many people have been or maybe lying on the therapist couch as a result of their relationship or interaction with you. No one is perfect, my friend, and we have all survived one another.
The bottom line is this: When you don’t trust yourself, you cannot and will not trust anyone else. You will ignore your inner voice and intuitive gut checks and tell yourself that what you are feeling is wrong. Why do you do this? Because your suspicions will not hold other person in a good light. When you can’t face the truth, you find yourself making excuses for the bad behavior. I did this for many years with my ex-husband.When you don't trust yourself, you cannot and will not trust anyone else. Click To Tweet
As human beings, it’s our nature to want to be connected to our loved ones, to live in peace rather than pain, to feel safe rather than fear. We have a difficult time accepting the things we believe should be good for us are not and that the people who should be good for us aren’t.
For this reason, mistrust is almost as painful as having our trust betrayed because it goes against our natural being. Trust in others is trusting ourselves. Never trust someone who lies to you and never lie to someone who trust you. Trusting others and allowing them to support you when you are vulnerable and when you need it most is huge. Trusting yourself is a loving support of nurturing process that will open our mind and our heart to a way of merging that is simply beautiful.Never trust someone who lies to you and never lie to someone who trust you. Click To Tweet
Learning to trust others is the way that your character gets its daily strength training. When faced with the difficult task of sharing a difficult situation with somebody else that we care for, I love this advice that Iyanla Vanzant got from her spiritual godfather when faced with a dilemma of telling someone she cared about something that she knew would upset him and hurt his feelings. His advice helped her immensely and I wanted to forward and share it with you now. The process as he described it includes:
Step One, tell the person that your relationship is a valuable and an important aspect of your life.
Step Two, tell him why it matters to you and the kind of relationship you want to continue to have.
Step Three, offer him your belief that sharing the truth as you know it or sense it as an important aspect of the relationship that you want.
Step Four, ask if he feels the same way.
Step Five, if the response is yes, tell him that you have something difficult to share with him and ask his permission to do so.
Step Six, once you get his permission, share the information and then ask him what he heard you say.
Step Seven, if necessary, offer clarity about what you have said by offering correction to his feedback.
Step Eight, check it again and make sure you have been heard.
Step Nine, once you know you have been heard, ask him how he feels about what you have shared and then go from there.
Whenever telling the truth is difficult, you might try that practice to help bridge the gap. Know that though in some situations some people will resist hearing the truth, but also know that telling the truth to difficult people is the right thing to do.